


Sometimes.

by MommyDearest



Category: Original Work
Genre: Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-12
Updated: 2018-12-12
Packaged: 2019-09-16 17:18:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 462
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16958247
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MommyDearest/pseuds/MommyDearest
Summary: A short vent piece on how my mental health effects my marriage.





	Sometimes.

Sometimes, I think I'm doing alright.  
We have good times. They can last for months.  
But then there are the bad times. They can come in an instant. I never know how long they'll last, or if I'll only have a moment's rest between cycles.  
These are the times I question so many things.

 

Tonight, he told me he feels he "always has to use kid gloves" with me. Some nights, he'll tell me how far I've come, and how strong I am.  
But then there are the nights when he knows exactly what to say to hurt me, and then can't understand why I can't let go of the hurt.  
Like the time he told me he almost showed my profile on an adult social network to my parents, while I was living with a man he already believed to be abusing me.  
That was almost 5 years ago. I stopped trying to talk about it after I knew his only reason was "I was hurting". My pain didn't matter, even though I was the one who was damaged by it.

 

We haven't had sex in over a year. The last time he kissed me was on our wedding night. This isn't his fault.  
I still can't stand being touched by anyone. Kisses feel hollow, and sex is nothing but flashbacks. He doesn't push, but his jokes hurt.

 

I want to open up to him about what upsets me, before a cycle starts. But it's never a good time for him. So I don't.

 

Instead, I wait for the cycle to come along and try to ruin the life I've built on pillars of sand. I can see them starting to crumble, but there's nothing I can do now.

 

I don't want to leave him. I love him. But it would be the best thing for him.

 

He doesn't know how to fight fair. His parents never taught him. His dad isn't in our lives anymore. He found a new family, with one of the women he cheated on his wife with. His mother is kind, but she's still bitter. His brother and I have an alright relationship, but it's only because we both love my husband. My brother-in-law's wife doesn't like me. She pts on a good mask, but she should know I'm better at this than she is.

 

My life is made of masks, and I'm sure my husband knows it. He saw me without them, and I know it scared him. I decided not to make that mistake again, but it might be making things worse.

 

He says I inspire him to do better. He says I make him want to learn, and to do more.

 

I love my husband. But, sometimes, I think I'm ruining his life.


End file.
